dear formerly religious self:
Have you ever wished you could go back and talk to your younger self? If a younger version of you walked up to you today and asked for some life advice, what would you tell them? Several years ago, as part of my healing process, I wrote the following letter to my formerly very religious and rigidly dogmatic self. It can be so powerful to speak to ourselves with the grace and unconditional acceptance that we wish had been given to us by others. I found this exercise freeing and very healing to my hypothetical younger self.
Dear formerly religious self,
I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t investigate more and ask more questions. I’m sorry I was silenced by fear and by the threatening of my parents. I’m sorry I stayed so long in a pattern of self-abuse and fear and anger and depression. If I could go back and take your hand…and lead you out sooner…I would. But the past is the past, and I won’t carry guilt with me forward.
Don’t forget who you are. Don’t forget that this was really you all along. You haven’t changed or abandoned the core of your identity. You aren’t lost. You don’t need saving. You aren’t a reprobate, worthless, dirty, broken subhuman. You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are pure. You are whole. You are woman. You are equal. You are unique.
I know you keep reaching for the comforts of ritual and trusting in something bigger than yourself. You are so scared of being wrong, and I know. I still am. It terrifies me. But every day I get stronger, and you will too. You are scared of being alone, you are petrified that your good intentions will result in your being punished horrifically for an eternity.
You are enough. You are not deserving of judgment and terror. You are sweet and gentle and innocent and kind. You are capable of dark things, yes, but your light shines toward good things. Follow that. Press forward into freedom, and breathe deeply of release. You were told that the only true freedom was in chains and that the only true forgiveness was earned through pain.
I know they look at you with hurt in their eyes. They doubt you, invalidate you, and don’t believe you. That is their decision. It’s not your job to convince them. It’s not your fault that leaving the faith they hold dear hurts them so personally. You know - you KNOW - you love them. Truly. You love them because they are your family, and not because of what they believe or don’t believe. All you can do is ask the same of them.
I honestly don’t know if it gets better. But I encourage you to try and I promise that I am still trying. I have healed so much. I know it’s possible! You are loved. You’re loved unconditionally. Not because of what religion you ascribe to, but because you are a person with dignity and worth and you are worthy of love and respect. Love,
A