the source matters
The first time I ever saw a licensed therapist of any kind was in college. I was 20 and some of my lifelong struggles with elements of the high demand religion I had been raised in were bubbling up and I could no longer ignore them. Living in congruence with my mind, body, and spirit was impossible. I needed help and support. I don’t know if I had the language of “religious trauma” at that time, but I did express to this therapist that I was working through issues with my faith and identity.
One of the very first things she said to me was, “Well it sounds like people hurt you, not god.”
I had not described anything that a human had done to me. At that point in time, no person had harmed me at all, physically speaking. I did not even feel particularly alienated by people, partly due to the fact of how hard I had worked to be “mature” and a “leader.” I was well respected and my opinion and thoughts were valued. It was an inner struggle that I perceived myself having directly between myself and god. God’s ways, nature, rules, functions, decrees, and limitations - I was locked in a silent, invisible battle. There was a lot of me praying, talking, begging, waiting, reading, learning, etc….and there was a lot of silence coming from the other end.
When my therapist made that comment, I ruled them out as someone who wouldn’t understand. It is far too easy to write off someone’s very real struggle with a trite and cliche comment like that one. I did not need another defender of god, I needed someone to bear witness to the fact that I was in deep pain and confusion. I couldn’t bear to hear another thought-terminating cliche like, “God is in control,” or, “All things work together for good,” or, “People hurt people, not God.” I was actually getting along just fine with people and having rich, rewarding, loving connections with others. This was in spite of the predominant religion I was in, not because of it. I say this to encourage you to see through comments like the one that therapist made - people mean well, but they are in essence dismissing a very real and valid concern when they remove any culpability from the source of the hurt and confusion. The source of the hurt matters - if it’s a person, then that matters. If it’s a group of people, that’s important. If it’s a deity - whether real or an idea of one - that is worthy of addressing and figuring out. Getting to the real root of the problem is always a worthwhile journey. It is different depending on the individual, their family, the way they were raised, what they were taught, and how they internalized those teachings. There are lots of possibilities for identifying the catalyst for suffering along that journey, and that is precisely why a one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work when addressing issues of religious trauma or deconstructing ideological paradigms. The source of the hurt matters.